Dear Sarah Jessica Parker,
You are scum. I am tired of seeing your face everywhere. You are not a good actress, your body is entirely too bony and your face looks like it got slammed in a door. I am also angry that you married Matthew Broderick. The star of Ferris Bueller's Day Off, The Lion King, and The Producers can and should do better than the two-bit lukewarm character of Sex and the City. But I digress, should we have a peek at your career?
Footloose - Probably slept with Herbert Ross to get that one.
Hocus Pocus - The only watchable role I have yet to see you in, but it might be because Bette Midler makes everyone look better.
Mars Attacks! - The one good point of the film: you switched bodies with a chihuahua. Good move.
Failure to Launch - You + Matthew McConaughey = Too much failure for one movie.
And the rest of your movies have not garnered enough box office success or publicity for me to even waste my time dealing with.
So you're one claim to fame is being possibly the most boring character on Sex and the City with the only possible exception being Miranda. Good. I look forward to vomiting when I will be dragged to see you in Did You Hear About the Morgans? I hate you and I hope you die. And reduce the amount of names you have. You don't deserve more than two like a normal person.
Love,
Jake
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